


I want to know

by dazed75



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Existentialism, M/M, Memories, My First Fanfic, Pining, english is not my first language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 17:36:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13575582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dazed75/pseuds/dazed75
Summary: I want to know… was it all in my head? What was I to you? Did I ever mean anything to you? Elio questioning himself, Oliver's feelings for him, the past and the future.





	I want to know

I want to know… was it all in my head? What was I to you? Did I ever mean anything to you apart from a summer fling, a sexcapade that would be forgotten once you returned to your normal life? You knew all along that you had someone back there waiting for you but you never even once thought of telling me about it, as if it was clear to you: that was there and then. And after that? Would there be no looking back on what and who you left behind? Oh, you did have a few qualms about giving in to your desires. As you said, you were trying to be good, but I was making things difficult for you, tempting you unabashedly, literally throwing myself at you. 

I want you to know, I said… and with those five words, I granted you permission to take whatever you wanted from me. Sure enough, you asked confirmation for what it was that I was offering. The ball was now in your court and you tried, didn’t you, to take the ‘right’ decision, do the ‘right’ and ‘noble’ thing? You took your sweet time deciding,and I guess you tried to resist temptation. You tried to do justice to the trust that my dad had placed in you and the golden opportunity that he had gifted you through the research assistant position. You must have thought it improper to push your luck in taking something that was not included in Professor Perlman’s generous offer of hospitality and mentoring… his son.

For my part, I had none of these reservations when considering to embark on a sexual adventure with you. I was open to exploring my sexuality, as I did with Marzia. Well, it did occur to me that I hadn’t been ready for sex until you came along, and that you in fact triggered my sexual awakening. I wasn’t even sure at first that I was feeling horny because of your presence, but I did feel that the air was sexually charged whenever you were nearby. I remember that night when I was watching you dance with Chiara, and the pang of jealousy that hit me when I saw your arms wrap around her and your lips meet hers. I then realised that I was jealous of her, when all the while until then, I was thinking that I envied you your intelligence, your confidence, your nonchalant way of carrying yourself and your charm.

This discovery made me want to test out that new found theory that I was attracted to a man. That led me to try out sex with Marzia, which was great, really great, but then, why did it do nothing to make me stop lusting after you? Maybe because I felt that what I felt on a physical level with my childhood friend didn’t help assuage my longing for a more profound merging of souls, a desire to become one spiritually and physically with another person. I had read from Plato’s Symposium that there is a belief that at creation, each soul is divided into two parts, which means that one is never complete until the two parts of the soul are reunited, hence the ‘soulmate’ concept. Could it be that you were my soul mate? Or had I just ‘fallen in love’?

While at first I was really keen on believing that you, Oliver, were my ‘soulmate’, I later on decided to drop that idea and that desperately romantic theory that I had come to really believe in. It made no sense that I would meet my soulmate only to be separated again from myself. It was too cruel, and did that mean that I would never find happiness again? My survival instinct finally kicked in and I decided to reject that idea, but not without struggling against my weak heart which kept reminding me that it was not up to the plan to forget about those beautiful moments we had together.

During all those years after that idyllic summer, after meeting with you again at your workplace and after your last visit, the same questions keep running around in my mind. We never really talked about it but I wonder if I am the only one being haunted by those memories of us. You said you remembered everything, and I dared you (in my head) to prove it by calling me by your name when it was time for you to leave. That would have been the ultimate confirmation that we really had been on the same page throughout all this time apart. But you did nothing of the kind… instead, I was left with that feeling of want and longing for something that would probably never be mine again to enjoy.

When I think of it, it was always up to me to make a move to change the status quo between us… If I had kept silent, I am sure that our relationship would have stayed platonic… Would my life have been easier if I hadn’t spoken? I think that my dad knew me better than I did myself, as he doubted that I would have chosen to keep my feelings and what I was going through secret. Maybe it would have been better for me to die this once than to die a little every day we spent apart after this fateful summer. 

No, I definitely cannot keep silent anymore. Not knowing is killing me slowly but surely. Don't you want to wake up from that coma you have been lying in all those years, Oliver? Tell me you haven’t forgotten, and, better still, why don’t you allow yourself to feel alive again? I only know that I owe it to myself to have a heart to heart with you, and ask you those all those questions that have been bugging me all this time. Was it real? Did you feel the same as I did or did it mean more to me than it did to you? Are we soulmates? Is there any hope left for us after all this time? Speak or die… I have made up my mind, once again.


End file.
